Alexia Brue learns never to cross the Mistress of the Steam

At Sanduny—a Czar Nicholas-era bathhouse, or banya, in Moscow—I found surprising formality applied to sweating in a wooden cell. To start, I took a rented sheet and rubber slippers, then washed in a communal shower that was a scene of seductive mayhem: water splashing, suds floating, and people shouting. Silver buckets with herbs steeping in hot water for facial steams were lined up next to open jars of honey, which bathers smeared on their faces and necks as a moisturizing masque. As I lined up outside the parilka (the banya's hot room), a young woman carrying a garden hose—and naked save for a pointy elf hat—popped out and announced in Russian, "Ladies, it's time to steam." She was the Mistress of the Steam and had just sprayed the walls and furnace's rocks to increase humidity—the walls were literally coughing steam into the tree house–style room, which was close to 170 degrees. Amid both babushkas and nubile Slavic goddess types, I was jostled to the highest tiers of heat. After the door closed, some women started to flog themselves with venik (a bundle of birch or oak branches). There's a Russian rhyme that says the practice prevents aging (leaf tannins are believed to draw out toxins, and the thwacking promotes circulation). True or not, the branches make the parilka smell as fresh as a forest following a summer rain. After 60 seconds, the skin on my shins felt like it was melting and I worried that my nose hairs might ignite. I made my way toward the door. "Nyet," chided ten voices. The Mistress of the Steam grabbed my elbow, led me to the lowest bench, and told me to wait 90 seconds. "You don't want to ruin their steam," she advised. Two minutes later, Natasha (the MOTS and I were now on a first-name basis) deposited me in a marble bathtub filled with icy water and told me to cool off for two minutes, rest, and then repeat the cycle two more times to achieve the full kaif, or banya high. After I'd recovered, I found Natasha smoking a cigarette and asked her why parilki are so infernally hot and the sessions so long. "I guess Russians like extreme situations," she replied.

When in Russia
Sanduny Banya, Moscow's oldest, glitziest banya (built in 1896), has a first-class section and caters to expats (7-495-925-4631; sanduny.ru; admission, $15–$23). Bani Na Presne, one of Moscow's newest, has an extra-large parilka and a huge cold plunge pool (7-495-255-5306 for men, -253-8690 for women; baninapresne.ru; admission, $19–$23). Mytninskaya Banya is a classic St. Petersburg banya (7-812-271-7119; admission, $3).