Here's the thinking on cellulite, at least the thinking promulgated by cruise ship spas: Cellulite is fat encased in toxins. No matter how much you diet and work out, you just can't get rid of the stuff thanks to these toxins. But if you blast them with electricity and subject them to high doses of clay, blue cream and red algae, the toxins "break up," liberating the trapped fat and allowing it to be reabsorbed by the body.

Laura's waist and thighs were measured before the treatment, and they were measured again afterwards. According to the spa therapist, she lost a total of four inches. One inch on each thigh, and an inch each on her upper hip and her lower hip. Unfortunately, Laura neglected to look at the tape herself while the measurements were being taken. For this reason, she will not be pursuing a career as an investigative reporter.

(My question is, where did the fat go, not that she had any to begin with. If it's reabsorbed, then she would have had to have gained four inches somewhere. On her fingers? Her nose? The law of the conservation of matter applies even in spas, I fear.)

The red algae treatment, supposedly, is patented. But before everyone runs out to their local mangrove swamp and starts harvesting the stuff, a word of warning: You will recall the sad tale of my tropical marine aquarium I shared several posts ago. Well, before that butterfly fish came down with ick, the aquarium had, for several weeks, been slowly overrun with...red algae. For this reason, I've never seen red algae as anything other than an agent of death. Come to think of it, though, none of my pet fish ever had much in the way of excess cellulite. They may have died, but at least they died skinny.